I know, I’ve hardly been here this past month. I don’t even know where to begin. The start of 2014 or even the end of 2013 wasn’t how I planned it to end or begin. Levi and I sat down and talked the other night about me kinda shutting off everything thats been happening. Thats my down fall I bottle things up. Ive kept my resolution about trying harder with my friendships and have been “bugging” people to hangout but I haven’t been completely there for my home life or myself. I don’t know how to explain it but my mind is always thinking about it but I try to keep busy, keep it to myself and not talk to people about it. The number one place I express my feelings/thoughts to is this here blog, I don’t know what it is maybe its just easier to write things down and you don’t have to “make sense”?!

I don’t know, maybe I’ve already lost you. But I needed to write something.
Ill go ahead and begin with what happened. You probably already know but I have a huge fear of death, like right now she just writing about it my stomach is in knots. After I die will I remember anything from my life here on earth, will it feel like forever until I see my loved ones? My life here on earth might not be perfect but I don’t want to leave this world. I want to stay right where I am, and watch my little boy grow up.

It made me so sad to hear of Paul Walkers death. And then on Christmas day I got a call from one of my best friends since 2nd grade that her twin sister died. I just couldn’t help but think of all the times I told her we would facetime her or 2 days before her passing I was meaning to text her that her christmas card got returned or when the next time our group is together she wont physically be there. My best friend of 21 years will no longer grow old with us. Its just so surreal how quickly life can be taken away from you. And that person you always mean to tell you care about them, you no longer get that chance so stop what your doing and tell your loved ones you care because they can(or you) could be gone tomorrow. When her son would come during breaks to visit with his dad and family Darla really wanted our sons to get together to play and it wouldn’t always work out. The other day while the boys were playing I wanted so bad to let her know we finally got them together and they had so much fun or tell her that her son is going to live right by us and we’ll get to see him a lot :(
After hearing of her death we got home 24 hours after to find our cat had a stroke, took her into the vet and found out she had a massive tumor on her belly and we had to put her down. Our home just wasn’t the same.

Too many deaths lately. On Sunday heard of another friend dying in a car accident. I don’t want to look on facebook or answer phone calls lately, too much sadness.

I will end it on a happy note, something I’ve learned from this. I love hugs!! There is just something about giving and receiving hugs to put a little spark in it. When you experience death it just gives you a whole new look at life and what you make of it. I believe 2014 will get better but it’s just going to take sometime.



  1. HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG!!!!!!!! Remember that you are loved and that you have a husband and a son that gives the best hugs in the universe!

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